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Jokes about men






Punctuation and Phenomenal Women

An English professor wrote the words: "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."













A woman gets home, runs to her house, throws open the door and jubilantly shouts, "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!" The husband says, "I can't believe it! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" She says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."

Three Blonde Guys

Three blonde guys are stranded on one side of a wide river and don't know how to get across.The first blonde guy prays to God to make him smart enough to think of a way to cross the river. God turns him into a brown haired man, and he swam across. The second blonde guy prays to God to make him even smarter, so he can think of a better way to cross the river. God turns him into a red-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across. The third blonde guy prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a WOMAN and he walks across the bridge.

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom acility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Last Chance:

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"